Habitually held back.

     Perhaps, it's too much of an intimate confession to reveal online. Or perhaps it's entirely too bland, sad, and ordinary. But I feel I'm stuck in a rut, and have been spending far too much time (years actually) living vicariously through the lives of other people. Why is that? Have I lost the will to care for, and better myself... Hence, I place all of the energy I should be harnessing towards self-advancement on those around me that I care for.... Is that how I compensate for this grotesque amount of indifference towards my well being? Why am I trying to run away from myself? You may think this to be completely foolish, and irrational. But you haven't been through my experiences, now have you?
      Often, I have to suppress my own personality just to fit in with my friends. There is only one person I can truly be myself around to be honest. For fucks sake, I'm 23. You think I would have figured this out a long time ago. But I've noticed it's more effective to be guarded, to hide certain portions of yourself around different people. Because quite simply put, certain people aren't going to be able to understand the things you value. Or even appreciate your strengths. No matter how much you want them to. Let alone respect your personal stories, particularly if they are of a darker caliber such as mine.
      In order to cope with these unfortunate complexities of humanity. I decided years ago to use humor as my coping mechanism, and to try to suppress as much of my past as possible. But I feel like I'm losing a piece of who I am in the process. An identity that I'm desperately trying to hide...even at my own expense. Yet, I was much unhappier when I was open about my past. Perchance, this attitude is the right course of action. I feel much more protected to be honest.
       You know, it's very painful to hold the burden of having a dark past. Because most people seem to not understand, or are overwhelmed by the truth. Since, generally speaking-we fear what we cannot comprehend. In contrast though, many famous writers have used their checkered past to their advantage. I should take note of this.
       Ultimately, I need to come to terms with the unfortunate incidents that have unfolded before my eyes time and time again. I need to work on myself, and especially my confidence. It's healthy to be guarded, and have a good sense of humor obviously. However, I must start building myself up, so I can be prepared to achieve the many goals I have. And forget the notion that only other people can make me happy...since happiness as the old cliche goes...lies solely from within. Not in the seemingly sincere reassurance of other people. Nor in the arms of a lover, or even a kind friend.

"Habit is a second nature which prevents us from knowing the first, of which it has neither the cruelties nor the enchantments."
-Marcel Proust