Lately, I've been wondering what makes a person of value through the eyes of social norms. In this society, if you stray too far away for the status quo it can potentially ostracize you. Right now, I'm looking for a job, and taking a break from college. This puts me in a rather undesirable position when people ask me what I'm currently doing with my life. For instance, I met a new friend a couple weeks ago, and the conversation went a little like this:
"What do you do for a living?"
"...Well, I'm planning to get a job at an Organic cafe in the U-District."
Which is really just a clever diguise for I applied at a respectable restaurant, and have no idea if they will hire me. What if I would have been blunt and said, "Right now I'm unemployed, and am a college drop out. But I have enough money to get by regardless. Pretty fucking interesting, eh?"
Obviously a risque, and possibly alienating response. Sometimes, you have to obscure the truth in order for people to not judge you too harshly. Now if I were a more successful person in an entirely different plane of reality, I could have instead retorted, "I just finished my bachelor's degree, and am working as a research associate at Intel."
I'm sure that would have been met with a much warmer response. I would have probably been congratulated and admired for my unswerving dedication to do what socially accepted individuals achieve around my age. No such luck though in this dimension. Instead my admission of being unemployed, and becoming disenchanted by Seattle Central is one that would be received by pity, or even mockery. One would wonder, what is wrong with that woman? Or why is that society frowns upon people who are struggling instead of being a bit more compassionate? The sad truth is that we live in a hierarchical society, and it's a dog eat dog world out there.
Once you have a degree, all of the sudden you are granted all of this respect. Regardless of your actual character, or who you are in general. People admire you, it's easier to find a date, a job, fit in, and feel less displaced by our system. You might be in debt until your 60, but hey at least you'll be respected! Repeatedly, I've heard people act condescending towards people without degrees, or who aren't working towards one. As much as I hate to admit it, I've suffered alot of embarrassment simply because I am not of this higher rank. Some people I knew even went out of their way to make me feel guilty about it. I.E "why can you be like Joe Schmoe, and get a transfer degree. He is so hardworking, why are you so lazy?" It seems like some special individuals out there just don't understand that certain people aren't college bound or at the right point in their lives to go back to school.
Then there are the graduates who think they are better than everyone else because they have been enlightened by some random university. Their omnipresent must be enforced by their sheer arrogance, and general disrespect of people who haven't achieved a similar goal. Like a huge walking douchebag designed to cleanse you of your degenerate ways. No one likes a know it all... Especially, a self righteous one who lacks humility.
Honestly, I;m tired of playing this charade. If I need a college degree just for people to treat me like a human being, then I'd rather be stationed to reside the rest of my years on a mysterious Planet-X. The ironic thing is that I do plan to go back to college. The time just isn't right quite yet. But if you are so nearsighted that you think I'm useless just because I don't fit neatly into a nice little conventional package like you, then you really need to re-assess your ethics. Just sayin'
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Occupy Seattle, slightly ambiguous but well meaning nonetheless.
Seattle is a happening place to be, brimming with life, and old skyscrapers. I'm lucky to be a resident in such a sophisticated city. As I write there is a ongoing protest occurring only about a mile from my humble abode. It is a protest that has been slandered, and isn't necessarily popular amongst many conservatives, and even liberals. It's called Occupy Seattle. I'm sure you've probably heard of it if you live in Washington. It's a spin off of the Occupy Wallstreet protests in NYC. I have a friend whose very active in the movement. I initially want to join this cause but the idea of camping in Westlake park for however long it takes to get the perceived message across is honestly quite daunting. Not to mention I don't agree with there views on the federal reserve. With all of that said, still I can't help but admire the brash dedication to hold Wallstreet accountable for their crimes.
I think that Occupy Seattle will eventually become something much more substantial, and powerful then the mere (if not slightly scattered) ideals the movement possesses. I think this protest is at least 30 years overdue, given how the Reagan administration fueled the fire for all of the grotesque power the corporate world now possesses. I definitely plan on participating one of these days. We need a revolution, because I'm tired of seeing hard working being being exploited, and getting stepped all over by our current administration. I eventually plan to interview the individuals involved in Occupy Seattle. I would like to have a better picture of what this movement consists of solely from the prospective of the organizers of this resistance. I will update this soon. In the meantime folks, remember to be good to each other, and to stay informed. Ciao.
I think that Occupy Seattle will eventually become something much more substantial, and powerful then the mere (if not slightly scattered) ideals the movement possesses. I think this protest is at least 30 years overdue, given how the Reagan administration fueled the fire for all of the grotesque power the corporate world now possesses. I definitely plan on participating one of these days. We need a revolution, because I'm tired of seeing hard working being being exploited, and getting stepped all over by our current administration. I eventually plan to interview the individuals involved in Occupy Seattle. I would like to have a better picture of what this movement consists of solely from the prospective of the organizers of this resistance. I will update this soon. In the meantime folks, remember to be good to each other, and to stay informed. Ciao.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Habitually held back.
Perhaps, it's too much of an intimate confession to reveal online. Or perhaps it's entirely too bland, sad, and ordinary. But I feel I'm stuck in a rut, and have been spending far too much time (years actually) living vicariously through the lives of other people. Why is that? Have I lost the will to care for, and better myself... Hence, I place all of the energy I should be harnessing towards self-advancement on those around me that I care for.... Is that how I compensate for this grotesque amount of indifference towards my well being? Why am I trying to run away from myself? You may think this to be completely foolish, and irrational. But you haven't been through my experiences, now have you?
Often, I have to suppress my own personality just to fit in with my friends. There is only one person I can truly be myself around to be honest. For fucks sake, I'm 23. You think I would have figured this out a long time ago. But I've noticed it's more effective to be guarded, to hide certain portions of yourself around different people. Because quite simply put, certain people aren't going to be able to understand the things you value. Or even appreciate your strengths. No matter how much you want them to. Let alone respect your personal stories, particularly if they are of a darker caliber such as mine.
In order to cope with these unfortunate complexities of humanity. I decided years ago to use humor as my coping mechanism, and to try to suppress as much of my past as possible. But I feel like I'm losing a piece of who I am in the process. An identity that I'm desperately trying to hide...even at my own expense. Yet, I was much unhappier when I was open about my past. Perchance, this attitude is the right course of action. I feel much more protected to be honest.
You know, it's very painful to hold the burden of having a dark past. Because most people seem to not understand, or are overwhelmed by the truth. Since, generally speaking-we fear what we cannot comprehend. In contrast though, many famous writers have used their checkered past to their advantage. I should take note of this.
Ultimately, I need to come to terms with the unfortunate incidents that have unfolded before my eyes time and time again. I need to work on myself, and especially my confidence. It's healthy to be guarded, and have a good sense of humor obviously. However, I must start building myself up, so I can be prepared to achieve the many goals I have. And forget the notion that only other people can make me happy...since happiness as the old cliche goes...lies solely from within. Not in the seemingly sincere reassurance of other people. Nor in the arms of a lover, or even a kind friend.
"Habit is a second nature which prevents us from knowing the first, of which it has neither the cruelties nor the enchantments."
-Marcel Proust
Often, I have to suppress my own personality just to fit in with my friends. There is only one person I can truly be myself around to be honest. For fucks sake, I'm 23. You think I would have figured this out a long time ago. But I've noticed it's more effective to be guarded, to hide certain portions of yourself around different people. Because quite simply put, certain people aren't going to be able to understand the things you value. Or even appreciate your strengths. No matter how much you want them to. Let alone respect your personal stories, particularly if they are of a darker caliber such as mine.
In order to cope with these unfortunate complexities of humanity. I decided years ago to use humor as my coping mechanism, and to try to suppress as much of my past as possible. But I feel like I'm losing a piece of who I am in the process. An identity that I'm desperately trying to hide...even at my own expense. Yet, I was much unhappier when I was open about my past. Perchance, this attitude is the right course of action. I feel much more protected to be honest.
You know, it's very painful to hold the burden of having a dark past. Because most people seem to not understand, or are overwhelmed by the truth. Since, generally speaking-we fear what we cannot comprehend. In contrast though, many famous writers have used their checkered past to their advantage. I should take note of this.
Ultimately, I need to come to terms with the unfortunate incidents that have unfolded before my eyes time and time again. I need to work on myself, and especially my confidence. It's healthy to be guarded, and have a good sense of humor obviously. However, I must start building myself up, so I can be prepared to achieve the many goals I have. And forget the notion that only other people can make me happy...since happiness as the old cliche goes...lies solely from within. Not in the seemingly sincere reassurance of other people. Nor in the arms of a lover, or even a kind friend.
"Habit is a second nature which prevents us from knowing the first, of which it has neither the cruelties nor the enchantments."
-Marcel Proust
Friday, May 27, 2011
Womb's Eye
Cloudless and incandescent sky
In a cemetery’s eye
The girl scratches the pavement
Trying to break the phantom surface
Of the lush, reposing observance
Hypnotized in wet cement
Infantile womb long forgotten
Immortal, and decaying
The girl cringes as the smoke fills her lungs
The funeral procession remains oblivious
In skin so young
Filled with childish hope
Longing to be buried in the ground
Resound with crows, and ghosts of flowers.
In a cemetery’s eye
The girl scratches the pavement
Trying to break the phantom surface
Of the lush, reposing observance
Hypnotized in wet cement
Infantile womb long forgotten
Immortal, and decaying
The girl cringes as the smoke fills her lungs
The funeral procession remains oblivious
In skin so young
Filled with childish hope
Longing to be buried in the ground
Resound with crows, and ghosts of flowers.
Shiva's Mirror.
A distorted shadow follows you in your dreams
In your familiar self destruction
Chaos lulling into parallel schemes
Comforting you with indulging gratification
Love once existed in the eyes of newborn
Soon castrated by a fallible horizon
Ambivalence is home to me
In varying extremes that I cannot escape
Happiness has washed over me
Like a fading cloud
Trying to grasp what has come to pass
Memory obfisticated in a chemical sleep
Years ago I thought I would succeed
In your arms, you never cared who you were before
Or how I was snidely detached
the feelings were blurred
too obscure to comprehend
My impure thoughts
they frightened you
a grinning taboo of sin
Valiantly molding into a fracture of normality
Change is overwhelming when you've never embraced it
the words that crumpled away
burned into my pores
was it in vain?
these people how are they so full
of everything I feel I can never become
I can never erase
the sinking ships and mistakes
tracking me down so shamelessly
your lack of tact is going to put me in my grave
you were never aware of how you stung
the rising sun of my scattered integrity
how we use to laugh at the freaks
that have suddenly become us
In the cold white trash rain
full of failures, and nobodies
that we were destined
to face in unwashed mirrors
during God's quiet introspection
of our secret revolving hells
In your familiar self destruction
Chaos lulling into parallel schemes
Comforting you with indulging gratification
Love once existed in the eyes of newborn
Soon castrated by a fallible horizon
Ambivalence is home to me
In varying extremes that I cannot escape
Happiness has washed over me
Like a fading cloud
Trying to grasp what has come to pass
Memory obfisticated in a chemical sleep
Years ago I thought I would succeed
In your arms, you never cared who you were before
Or how I was snidely detached
the feelings were blurred
too obscure to comprehend
My impure thoughts
they frightened you
a grinning taboo of sin
Valiantly molding into a fracture of normality
Change is overwhelming when you've never embraced it
the words that crumpled away
burned into my pores
was it in vain?
these people how are they so full
of everything I feel I can never become
I can never erase
the sinking ships and mistakes
tracking me down so shamelessly
your lack of tact is going to put me in my grave
you were never aware of how you stung
the rising sun of my scattered integrity
how we use to laugh at the freaks
that have suddenly become us
In the cold white trash rain
full of failures, and nobodies
that we were destined
to face in unwashed mirrors
during God's quiet introspection
of our secret revolving hells
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Becoming Bernese.
Bernese is full of nails
empty bank accounts
lost priorities
fake smiles
social networking fixations
nicotine addiction
nervous breakdowns
memories best forgotten
years of pills
Jordan was a dreamer
never depressed
yet always failing
too short to shine
too vain to see
TV tells him what to do
he wants to be rap star
mocking everything you are
Rose sings in colors
vulnerable and withering
the sun haunts her skin
the boys love blondes the best
She says with a cigarette between her lips
You'll often find her wandering
like a long dead celebrity
Joe learned where the ally ends
where cops blow up like puffer fish
the addicts resemble skeletons
where corpses turn into flowers again
as the women melt into the twilight
car alarms ring endlessly
marina knows your fate
young child without a name
Gina grew up so pure
adored by friends and family
college educated, and perfectly manicured
like a pristine Russian doll
Some people have all the luck
I hate her because I wish I was her
Instead I am Bernese
full of nails, and shit luck
in a world where I am seen as nothing
because I'm poor.
I wish I was pure.
empty bank accounts
lost priorities
fake smiles
social networking fixations
nicotine addiction
nervous breakdowns
memories best forgotten
years of pills
Jordan was a dreamer
never depressed
yet always failing
too short to shine
too vain to see
TV tells him what to do
he wants to be rap star
mocking everything you are
Rose sings in colors
vulnerable and withering
the sun haunts her skin
the boys love blondes the best
She says with a cigarette between her lips
You'll often find her wandering
like a long dead celebrity
Joe learned where the ally ends
where cops blow up like puffer fish
the addicts resemble skeletons
where corpses turn into flowers again
as the women melt into the twilight
car alarms ring endlessly
marina knows your fate
young child without a name
Gina grew up so pure
adored by friends and family
college educated, and perfectly manicured
like a pristine Russian doll
Some people have all the luck
I hate her because I wish I was her
Instead I am Bernese
full of nails, and shit luck
in a world where I am seen as nothing
because I'm poor.
I wish I was pure.
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